


Cry Softly

by Black_Pannther



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 13:23:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7270000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Black_Pannther/pseuds/Black_Pannther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place six months after Terry's Death. One drunken night, Starsky admits to Hutch that he cries himself to sleep thinking about Terry who died days after she took a bullet to the brain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cry Softly

Riding shotgun in the passenger side of Hutch’s car Starsky grumbled to himself about how he wished he drove his red Torino instead of his partner’s old clunker. “Oh come on Stark. It’s not that bad.” Hutch defended his precious car.

“It smells in here.” Starsky complained. “Don’t you ever throw away your fast food bags? I’m sure you have some rotting meat somewhere.”

“Oh and your car is so much better?” Replied Hutch, getting a little annoyed.

“It’s clean.” Offered Starsky without missing a beat. “My place or yours?”

“Huh?” Asked Starsky almost suffering whiplash from the abrupt change of subject.

“My place or yours?” Hutch repeated, his sky blue eyes still trained on the road ahead. “Remember? We talked about tossing back a few beers, getting so drunk that one of us is incapable of driving home.”

“Oh.” Starsky almost chuckled embarrassed. “Uh, yours. I forgot to stock my fridge.”

“You know starsk,” Hutch shook his head fondly. “It’s a good thing you have me. I have a photographic memory. My fridge is stocked with food and beer.”

“If it’s all the same to you.” Starsky was smiling at this point. “I think I’d rather order us up a pizza when we get there. My body doesn’t agree with the seaweed salad you insist on serving your guests.”

“I don’t serve it to guests.” Hutch responded, a smile in his voice. “I only serve it to family.”

Starsky felt rocked by that statement, he could cry if it didn’t mean putting his manhood in jeopardy so he decided to crack a joke to defuse himself from the emotional blanket that seemed to wrap around him by Hutches affectionate word family. “Well… My body still doesn’t agree with it. The last time you served me that junk, I spent the entire night with my ass glued to the John.”

With that, Hutch huffed out a laugh. “Here we are. Home sweet home.”

Once inside, Starsky picked up the phone without asking Hutch. “Yeah, I’d like to order two large pizzas, one meat lovers supreme and…” Then he looked questioningly at his partner.

“Oh uh….” Hutch read the non verbal communication with ease. “Seaweed and Anchovys.”

“The other one with Seaweed and Anchovys.” Starsky repeated into the phone before turning his baffled expression to his strange partner. “SEAWEED AND ACHOVYS?!!!”

Hutch only shrugged in response.

“They said they’ll be here in thirty minutes.” Starsky hung up the phone.

“Great.” Hutch took five long strides towards the fridge. Fingers curled around the handle, arm pulled back as he pulled open the refrigerator door then he bent over, his light, skin tight blue jeans stretched ever so gracefully across his ass as he reached for the case of beer.

Starsky plopped down lazily on the sofa, grabbing a TV guide from the coffee table and started skimming through the pages. “Hey, there’s an old western on at eight.”

Hutch ignored him. Walking into the living room, he dropped the case of beer gingerly on the coffee table; without offering his dark haired partner one he retrieved a bottle from the case, popped of the cap and took a long swig.

“Oh.” Starsky responded to the silent gesture. He knew that only guests were offered beer, family just help themselves and that’s exactly what he did. “But I would much rather watch a horror flick.” Flicking through the pages, he found some supernatural horror flick and reached over the coffee table and clicked on the TV. He kept turning the knob until he found the channel that promised his horror movie. “It’s coming on in ten minutes.”

Hutch nodded his response. Both men sat in silence, sipping their beers until a knock sounded at the door. Starsky immediately arose from the sofa and answered the door. The pizza delivery man quoted the price of the pizza and Starsky paid. “Keep the change.’

The man smiled gratefully at him, offering him a quick thank you and was gone.

“Okay ya blg blonde blintz.” Starsky tossed the pizzas on the coffee table. “Here’s your taste bud abusing pizza. You know you’re gonna spend all night with your ass stuck to the John.”

“And you’re gonna end up with a stomach ache and bad dreams.” Hutch quipped retrieving a slice of pizza from the box.”

“Yeah we’ll see.” Starsky mumbled more to himself before stuffing half of a slice of pizza in his mouth.

Just then, the movie started. Both men watched the horror flick while munching down on their pizzas. Just then Hutch Grimaced in disgust. Speaking around a mouth full of pizza, “Stark, this is disgusting. How can you stand watching that blood and gore at the same time you’re eating?”

“I have a stomach of steel.” Starsky commented, a hint of humor clung to his voice.

“That’s not hard to believe.” Hutch mumbled averting his eyes from the TV.

Once the movie ended and they finished their pizzas, stuffing the leftovers in the fridge, they continued sipping their beers while playing poker. After drinking enough beers to send them both into a drunken stupor, Starsky finally spoke. “Do you ever think of her?”

Hutch’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Who?”

“Gillian.” Responded Starsky, gingerly peeling the paper title from his bottled beer. “Do you ever think of her?”

“Sure.” Hutch shrugged before taking another swig of his beer. “Sometimes.”

“What do you do when you think of her?” Starsky was still playing with the paper on his bottled beer.

Hutch paused in thought, the mouth piece of his beer bottle resting against his bottom lip while answering the question. “I usually think about the good times we had.” Then he took another swig.

“So you don’t…?” Starsky stilled in his movements as he considered the best way to broach the subject without alerting his partner that something was wrong. “Cry or anything like that?”

“I used to.” Hutch shrugged again unaware of his partner’s change in mood. “But I moved on. I’m not saying that I completely erased her from my mind but it doesn’t hurt as much when I think about her. “ Then he set his beer down on the coffee table while he considered his dark haired friend suddenly becoming aware of his mood. “Why? Do you still think about Terry?”

“Yeah.” Starsky kept his eyes averted to the paper on his beer bottle as he had already worked the corner of it free.

“What do you do when you think about her?” Hutch’s full attention was focused on the slouched over man avoiding eye contact playing with the paper on the beer bottle. A nervous habit he discovered Starsky had whenever he tried to avoid looking anyone in the eyes. “Do you cry?”

Starsky stilled in his movements while he gave a barely audible “Yes... E.-every night I C-cry m-myself to sleep.”

Hutch nodded in affirmation as he already figured that much but it appeared to him that Starsky wanted to have a heart to heart which was a rarity for him because he would usually tell a joke when things got too serious. Hutch noted that maybe Starsky was uncomfortable when it came to emotions. Always protecting his manhood by avoiding what he liked to call ‘soapy scenes’ but the stammer in his voice caught his attention.

Hutch studied his friend who sat there peeling and unpeeling the paper on his beer bottle. Enough was enough. Heart to heart or not, he was not going to shut him out especially when he’s the one who started this conversation and if this ended with Starsky in tears, then he’ll hold him through it. It will be the first time his curly haired friend ever cried in front of him all because he wanted to keep his tough exterior while he was feeling broken inside. “Starsky, are you depressed?”

Starsky only shrugged his slouched shoulders in response unable to meet his partner’s intense gaze.

“C’mon buddy.” Hutched nudged Starsky’s foot with his own to get his attention. “Talk to me. What’s goin’ on? “

“I don’t know.” Starsky answered, not once through this entire conversation had he looked at Hutch. “Maybe I’m just talkin’ out of my head. Must be the beer.” He chuckled sadly.

“No.” Hutch shook his head in the negative. “I don’t buy that one bit. We haven’t hung out in six months no matter how much I begged you and out of the blue today you suggested we hang out and drink some beer. Why the sudden change?”

Hutch didn’t miss the sniffle coming from Starsky’s vicinity. “C’mon buddy, don’t make me play twenty questions just to get one answer out of you.”

“Today’s Terry’s Birthday and I didn’t want to celebrate it alone.” Starsky’s voice sounded watery to Hutch’s ears.

“Oh buddy. I’m sorry.” Hutch tried to console. “Sure I’ll celebrate it with you. What do we do?”

Starsky pulled out two individually wrapped twinkies from his brown leather jacket pocket and a box of candles and started unwrapping the twinkies. Then he took one candle out of the box and stuck it in one of the twinkies. “I uh… need a lighter.”

“Sure.” Hutch got up from the sofa and pulled out a black lighter from his dresser drawer that he kept for lighting candles at the dinner table or should there be a power outage. Immediately he came back and flicked the bic lighter. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Starsky mumbled before handing Hutch a twinky without the candle in it. “I know you don’t like junk food but can you indulge just this once?””

If it would bring his friend out of his depressive dark state, he didn’t mind cheating on his health food diet besides, this meant a lot to his friend and he couldn’t deny him this one little request. “No problem.”

Starsky nodded at him. “Happy Birthday Terry.” Starsky spoke around the lump gathered in his throat before blowing out the candle.

“Here’s to Terry.” Hutch lifted up his twinky and touched it against Starsky’s.

They both bit into their twinkies at the same time and continued eating in silence until they were finished with their twinkies. Both then made a face when they took a sip of their beer. “Okay so twinkies aren’t an idea treat that goes with beer.” Starsky joked earning himself a laugh from Hutch before they both grew serious.

“It’s okay Starsk.” Hutch said earning himself a quizzical stare. “You don’t have to wait until your alone in bed, you can let it out right now. I won’t judge you.”

“If it’s all same to you, I’d rather hold onto it.” Starsky responded, swallowing the massive sob filled lump in his throat.”

Hutch set his beer down once more. “Starsk, when I lost Gillian, you took a punch from me and by the way, I never apologized for that but after that, you talked to me. You cut through all that anger and all that pain and you immediately pulled me out of that dark place. I’m not ashamed to cry when I feel the need to and I didn’t feel ashamed to cry in front of you. I trusted you enough to know that you wouldn’t mock me in return and that in itself made me feel comfortable enough to let it all out in front of you. I remember it so well. I fell completely apart, I slid my arms around your neck without fear of rejection and you wrapped yours around me so tight and you held on. You remember what you told me? You told me to get it out. I heard you crying in my ear. You refuse to cry for yourself but you had no problem crying for me so I’m telling you now to get it out. Let it go.”

“I don’t wanna cry right now.” Starsky held his breath trying to keep the hurt from his voice, his eyes watering traitorously out of their own volition

“Starsk.” Hutch smiled sadly at his friend. “Nobody wants to cry but sometimes they have to in order to heal. You know, these shoulder aren’t just for carrying a gun holster. They are also for crying on so allow me to carry you over the threshold of your pain so you can finally heal. Don’t carry the burden on your own.”

As Starsky considered his friend’s words Hutch continued on. “You know, it doesn’t make you less of a man to let another man see you cry especially when that other man is your best friend. The only reason I healed so quickly is because you were there to help me heal. Allow me the same privilege. I think I’ve earned that.”

Starsky sniffled in response, a solitary tear rolled down his cheek and dripped on his hand followed by another then another. “It’s hot in here.” Starsky hiccupped.

“Then take off your jacket.” Hutched noticed the tears finally escaping the confinements of Starsky’s wounded eyes.

Starsky began moving his jacket with Hutch’s help. Once the jacket fell to the floor, he noticed Hutch had a hold of his hand. Instead of pulling back, he remained sitting. Eyes averted to his now warm beer. Tears still making a scolding path down his cheeks. 

Hutch grabbed Starsky’s neglected beer and set it on the table before pulling his partner forward wrapping him in his firm embrace and that’s when Starsky lost it. All the pent up pain came rushing to the surface. The agonizing sobs that tore through his throat made Hutch’s heart clinch so he held onto his broken partner. He could hear the moaning cries in his ear. His hair blowing slightly up as Starsky breathed heavily between each body wracking sob. 

Starsky’s arms wrapped around Hutch’s neck, a ball full of green t-shirt clinched in Starsky’s fists as he clung for dear life. Hutch in return held his friend’s shaking body firmly against his feeling his own body shake from his partner’s violent sobs. “That’s it buddy. Just let it go. Let it all go. It’s gonna be alright. I’m right here.”

Starsky pressed his face against Hutch’s shoulder and continued to cry for all it was worth. Hutch rubbed circles in the small of his friend’s back and rocked him back and forth for added comfort.

Finally Starsky’s sobbing ebbing to an end. An occasional hiccup. He didn’t want to move from his position. He felt warm and protected. Hutch’s fingers soothing him as he massaged his scalp through thick curly strands.

Breathing heavily and hotly against the crook of his blonde haired friend’s neck, Starsky began to slowly pull back, his wet, tear steaks face gently grazed Hutch’s cheek and Starsky held himself there before pulling all the way apart. Eyes averted to his lap. “Uh… Thanks.”

“Anytime partner.” Hutch wiped Starsky’s lingering tears from his cheek with the pad of his thumb. “You ready for bed?”

Starsky only yawned in response. Who knew that crying real hard would be so physically draining as well as emotional?

Starsky was about to lie down on the couch when Hutch grabbed his hand and pulled him into a standing position. “Not this time pal. I think it would be best if you weren’t alone. Especially since you cry yourself to sleep at nights; you need me to help you through this.”

Starsky didn’t have the strength to argue so he followed his friend to the bedroom. Once both men were under the covers, Hutch pulled the bear Terry gave to him as a gift to be opened at midnight two weeks after her death, from the night stand and handed it to Starsky. “I really wasn’t going to keep it from you. I was trying to hold it hostage so you would come over.” 

Starsky took the bear gratefully not trusting himself to talk just yet but Hutch released him from that responsibility by ordering him to sleep.

With his head on Hutch shoulder because Hutch insisted, Starsky pulled the bear to his chest and held on tight letting sleep over take him.

He was only asleep for an hour when he woke up from a startling, heartbreaking nightmare of the day Terry passed away while he clung to her hand. Momentarily, he forgot where he was, pressing the bear to his chest while he pressed his face firmly into what he thought was his pillow that was saturated with his tears and he cried softy. He stiffened when he felt Hutch’s arm encircle around his back while he was pulled firmly against a broad body and he realized that pillow his face was buried into was Hutch’s shoulder. “Please love them both.” Still echoed in their ears as Hutch followed that simple instruction to the letter. Holding Starsky firmly and lovingly against his muscular frame feeling that bear pressed against his stomach as Starsky still clung to it. Both being Hugged by the man she instructed to love them both. Finally, that night began Starsky’s healing and Terry’s spirit smiling down at them both.


End file.
